JJ started to walk away, then turned and pulled my panties down. I kicked them away. I started to feel my nakedness. I started to feel self-conscious in front of the camera. I imagined someone else looking at me through the camera. Of course, this has actually come to pass since I decided to share this with our fans. A strange form of voyeurism.

JJ came back with the whip. I was expecting the first lash. It was a different experience not being able to see it coming. It fell right on my ass. I sank down without thinking, it was all I could do. Immediately, I wanted to stop. Again, I willed myself to go on. I stood back up and with the second lash, I convulsed, trying to stay standing. It was only a matter of time before I would be kneeling on the floor.

I wondered what I looked like in the camera. Camille always seemed to have the benefit of a mirror and a monitor to look at. For now, it was me, JJ, the whip, and my uncertainty.

I wasn't sure if JJ liked me as much as he had Camille or Gabrielle. He seemed to think I was a yet unformed being like Camille when she was with him. But I had experienced all sorts of things before meeting JJ. He didn't seem to see that. He wasn't one for asking questions, he tended to talk about himself a great deal. Probably he felt self-conscious as one often does when getting to know a new lover.

While in New York I had the opportunity to show Jane all of the work with RFPIX. All the intense movies with Camille, Gabrielle and even those that never made it there like the one with Celeste and the training of the Maria, who was too scared of the whip to do it, and the one with the Cuban girl who looked great on the cross but her husband did not like the idea.

It had been a while since I had an intense relationship with anyone. I dated some women but never got beyond some making out in the lobby of their building or a dark corner of a bar. I didn't expect to start with someone new. Months before I met Jane I came in contact with an actress from the old days before Camille. MaRe, we met in a park, I took her home and we enjoyed a couple of nights. But that was all.

So, this journey was an unexpected event in my life and Jane was becoming part of my life very, very fast, but she was not yet part of RFPIX, she wanted to, and she began to suggest we made a movie with her.

I didn't think she was ready, or maybe I wasn't.