JJ had carried back a stick to our hotel room from shooting earlier in the day. He took the stick and tied my wrists to it. Then he tied the stick to the post.

He seemed like such an expert. Well, he was. he had done this so many times with various ladies, he was bound to have a little practice.

JJ told me to open my legs. The first direction I had heard from him. The he started to whip me even more, a little harder. At times I felt lik this was a test. I was testing myself, testing JJ. He was testing me. Maybe trying to see if he still "had it". I don't know.

Now, when I look at myself in this videoI feel self-conscious. I feel it for myself back then. I was trying too hard. I had bad hair. Really bad hair that was only exascerbated by the humidity. I feel so different now than that person in the video. I've done lots of other things. I've learned so much since then. And I guess looking at this video drives it home that I have changed in so many good ways. These experinces with RFPIX have given me so much.

I was known in the hotel. Months before there was a Film festival there and the woman registering us at the hotel worked as a hosstess at that festival and saw my film. She was happy to see me there and told me that she loved my film. I asked if she was disturbed by it, after all, it was about the crucifixion of a woman and very graphic. She said no. She said she was very impressed and that she thought it was a great movie.

Jane wasn't that much of a Spanish speaker yet, so I told her what the young woman said. She was impressed.

Once in the room, as I prepared the session, I told her she could cry, moan, but she could not scream, we didn't want to alert the authorities, I didn't want to spend a few days in jail trying to explain that I was not abusing her.

She stood in front of the post, bare chested, anticipating what she knew was coming. I saw in her eyes the fear, that familiar fear of the whip. I also saw the fear of failure.