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So, this woman, the one who wrote the zine, talks about her journey to find someone who would do what she wanted to her. She broke up with her boyfriend and started dating other guys. And finally, after a year or something, she finds this guy who she really likes. And one night she asks him to spank her, and he does, and he doesn't have any problem with it. He likes it. In the subsequent weeks, she gradually gets him to do other stuff with her. She gets him to role-play with her and he makes her do things. He sounds like a pretty creative guy. Totally not like Sean. I should break up with him. I'll think of some excuse. We haven't been seeing each other for very long anyway, it won't be hard. I'll just stop calling him and get really busy. Okay, that's that.

But this thing this woman wrote has really got me thinking about what I want in life and in a relationship. I guess I've been thinking about it since I broke up with Julian. We were together for five years, that's a really long time. And I was so unhappy with him. And the fact that we still live together is weird, too. But he still wants to be my friend, and I guess I do, too. But it's so complicated. Sean finds it weird, how could he not. But I'm breaking up with him, I made up my mind, so it doesn't matter. I'm just going to keep taking pictures and moving towards what I think is the right direction. Fuck! I was so unhappy with Julian, I can't stop thinking about it!! I need to move out. I wish we had never bought this condo together, that I hadn't given in when he wanted to buy these two siamese kittens, who I take care of all the time and look like two little aliens.

He was so good at manipulating me. And maybe that's what I want. NO!!! That is definately not what I want. I want something else. I want to feel something when I make love to a man. Maybe I want the same thing that this woman in the zine wanted. I just don't know. But I have to find out. Just not with Sean. And I have to move out of this condo. Like, now.

I need to think about this. What the things this woman wrote are making me feel. Because I feel something. Something really profound. And it's scary. I don't know anything about this. Okay, the first thing I'm going to do tomorrow is go to the H. Bookstore and find some books about BDSM. Old habits die hard, I know I could just go on the internet and learn everything I ever wanted to know about BDSM in like five minutes, but the benefit of an expensive private New England college education has ruined me. I'll check out the web as a secondary resource.

Maybe I'll learn something. Maybe I'll like what I read. Who knows...