April 2005

Jared and I went to a seminar: Regarding Evil. Absolutely amazing. Though it gets points based oon sheer coolness, I still have yet to fathom the point the organizers were trying to make with this presentation. I didn't mind seeing Boyd Rice, sitting with a bunch of artists and political scientists, periodically snorting black snuff off the back of his hand. A laborious performance of taking the case out of his pocket and pouring just the right amount of snuff onto the back of his hand, flipping the top back on the case and cerimoniously lifting the back of his hand to his nose and snorting loudly. Of course this sound was amplified by the microphone clipped to his black shirt.

They showed this Matthew Barney film De Lama Lamina which was pretty amazing. Images as if from dreams, moldy faced platapus-men masturbating with what looks like lard, underneath a moving truck in the Carnaval no less.

This is one of the only events I have been to with Jared. It felt so strange seeing him with me in a public setting. He seems to want to restrict our relationship to the bedroom. Or maybe I do. I certainly haven't introduced him to any of my friends.

I'm at a crossroads, not sure what to do with my life, I just keep making art and hoping that direction will come to me by some sort of divine source. But, also, things feel so uncomfortable with Jared. Apart from some things we have in common, I largely feel a bit irritated by his squirrly behavior. By that I mean how he seems to only be able to operate within the confines of his regulated ittle world. How he seems anxious about things, how he has to go to AA meetings all the time. He seems tight inside, confined, not able to breathe unless the conditions are right. But maybe in his behavior I see a mirror of my own anxiety. Or I am so desperate to be in love, even tough I'm not in love with him, I don't even feel comfortable with him.