July 2005

Jared came back from NY and broke up with me. It's been about two weeks now. I was more upset than I thought I would be. I guess I thought I would be the one to dump him. I always am. I called him crying on the fourth of July telling him that I loved him. I really made an ass out of myself. and the stupid thing is that I don't love him, my ego just can't take being dumped by him. After I made a fool of myself, I hung out with Julian and a friend. I really don't know where to go from here.

Time calls me every day now. he wants me to come down to South america where he is so we can travel around together. At this point I am thinking seriously about it. There's nothing here for me. All I'm going to do in this city is sleep with a few guys, bad sex, not what I'm looking for. It feels like I'm falling apart. I put too much into Jared, too much of myself. Too much effort on someone who was just going to crush me.

Jeez, that's so melodramatic. I need to get out of this city. I need to make a change, but it just doesn't feel right. My back bothers me so much. I stopped going to physical therapy, it wasn't doing anything for me. I feel like my mind and my body are being crushed by a dumptruck of bunnies.

July 2005

I went to NY for a couple of days to visit two friendsfrom college. I ended up sleeping with both of them...at the same time. Another rather disappointing round of meaningless sex. And then one of them had a fit because his wife is out of town and he felt like he had cheated on her. I really don't understand how some people operate. If he didn't want to cheat on his wife, why did he have an orgy with me and another friend? He made himself feel better by drawing me while I took a bath.

On the way back I saw a bowl with a crack in it in the subway. The crack looked just like a penis. I thought it was funny and took a picture. And then in the train I saw a cloud out the window that looked just like the penis-shaped crack. Life is strange and surpising sometimes.