February 2005
Tonight I met the guy, Jared,
for coffee. He seems really interesting. I didn't
talk about the books, or what I'm discovering
right now. But he seems, I don't know, like there's
something more to him. Although, I thought that
about Sean, too. But with Jared the attraction
is more, something, more, I guess. He said he'll
call me, I think he will, he talked about wanting
me to see his show. It would probably be fun.
Valentine's day is coming up, and I always try
to just ignore that holiday, Julian always disliked
it. But I broke up with him, so now I can like
it again. So, anyway, Jared and I talked about
what he does, his performance, I talked about
the erotic stuff I'm doing with my photography,
okay, so I used that to hint a little, and he
seemed really interested in seeing my stuff. He
is good friends with this controversial photographer,
whose work I know and really like. This could
go places. I talked a lot about how I'm trying
to explore the body in an erotic way through the
couple. How I use myself as a subject, how I use
a remote to take the pictures so they don't all
have that hand-held quality, So I can frame things,
and then there's an element of surprise. It felt
good to talk to someone new about my artwork,
all my friends are tired of hearing about my "porn
pics". My friends suck sometimes.
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I also started reading the Sleeping
Beauty novels by Anne Rice. Those are really...I
can't help being turned on by reading them. I
took the first one to the public library the other
day and read it, sitting there, surrounded by
other people reading. I got so horny. And I don't
have anyone to do anything with right now. So
I would stop reading and look around at all the
strangers and fantasize about them. I really am
becoming more perverse by the second. Seriously,
I should not censor myself!!! This is normal,
there are other people like me in the world, who
like these things, otherwise, there would be no
books about it. Right? Right. I loved the thought
of reading such a perverse book, a book better
read in bed, in a public place. I didn't hide
the cover, either, maybe I was hoping someone
would say something, but of course, the library
is such an anonymous place. I don't know what
I was hoping for, but maybe it was just for me.
Being so turned on, feeling inappropriate, it
felt so good. Fuck, it really doesn't take much
for a WASP to get a frisson, does it? Reading
a dirty book in a public library. I don't know
what I'm aiming for. But, I feel good about it,
I feel dirty, dangerous. I like it. I want to
share this with someone, someday. Maybe this guy
Jared, but I'm moving way too fast, I mean, I
met this guy on the internet, who does that?!!
And now I've met him in person. I'm just denying
my nature, like in the quote, all I want is sex.
