February 2005

I have read lots more. I finished Gordon. Spectacular. I love it. I was so taken by the characters, how they interact. I want my own Gordon. Seriously. How can I find someone like that? Someone who reaches deep into my soul and pulls out the best parts, the most depraved parts.

I wrote a little poem on a scrap of paper:

I turn

Jumping on your bed

As you watch

All the best parts of me

I saw Jared again a couple of times. I haven't said anything yet to him about what I've been reading. I want to wait a little bit, he seems to be a bit sensitive. He also told me that he's a recovered alcoholic, which is new to me, I guess I just don't know any. I don't think it really matters anyway, frankly, I'm not interested in drinking, I'm interested in broadening my sexual horizons.

Speaking of which, has been really great. He's really into having his cock sucked before we fuck. Which I have never done for a man, but seem to enjoy with him. I keep wanting to mention the SM stuff, but haven't gotten the nerve yet. I'm making a promise next time to say something to him, maybe tell him to slap me and call me a bitch, a slut, the next time I suck his cock. The thing is, I've never actually wanted to put one in my mouth. I thought it was really gross, but he's so, I don't know, virile. He makes me want to do it. He makes me want to obey. I wish he would make me do things. But maybe he's waiting, too. Feeling me out, so to speak. I love the way he kisses me, deeply, like he wants to eat my soul. Like he's reaching into me. So many men don't kiss well. Jared is so passionate when we fuck, it's like he doesn't go anywhere in his head, he's right there, concentrating on me, concentrating on the fucking, looking into my eyes. He's very athletic in bed. Many positions. He loves looking at my body. I have never felt so captured in someone's gaze before, like he's not looking at me, but into me. A little like the character of Gordon. But I might be taking this a little far. I still feel very uncomfortable around him. I don't know why, maybe that's just natural. We're just getting to know each other. I guess I'm a little afraid, I really seem to like and him, and I'm worrying too much that he might find something about me, ok, I'm just being insecure. Loosen up!!! I want to tell him to do things to me. Or more like encourage him.

If this were a fantasy, my fantasy, I wouldn't have to say anything, he would be able to sense, to read in me, like Gordon, that I want this, that he can just take me, that he can play with me, do nasty things to me, make me do things, push me, make new boundaries, and then break them.