January 2005

I thought a lot more about the quote, the one about how women need a master. I had two minds about it when I read it, I had this reaction that said, "That's ridiculous, women don't need that, that's some disgusting thing made up by men. Some perverted man at that" (okay, that's my twice-divorced mother speaking through me, shut up!) And then I have this other voice, it sounds like my own voice, small, a whisper. And it's telling me that this is right.

Anyway, I read the story, Story of O. And now I'm siding with the second voice. Just thinking about it seems wrong. I mean, the role of women now is so confusing. I feel guilty when I cook for a man, is that right? Who's to say, but I don't think that attitude is right for me. Not that I want to be a housewife. But I think I want a man who will be strong and look after me, and yes, beat me. Fuck, that looks so weird on paper! It's just that it goes against everything I have been taught. My eccentric father, who raised me like boy has always told me that women need to be strong, independent. He's always said that I should never even get married, that it's trap. Right, he's been divorced twice, too. How can I listen to these people?

Whatever, I connected with the things written in that quote. I can imagine myself with someone who is not passive, who has an imagination, who is strong, who will take care of me like O was taken care of by her masters. I used to think this was a man's fantasy, but now it's my own. I really don't know how to deal with it at this point, so I'll just keep reading and writing until I get somewhere. But I can't stop thinking about that book. I was frightened at first reading it, I felt like I was supposed to reject it, stop reading. I was so uncomfortable. But I kept reading and gradually I felt something. I liked it. I liked the story. But I really started to like it after I finished reading the book and I was thinking about it. Like a well-educated reader I imagined myself in the place of O, I analysed her. I took some notes. But in the midst of this, of taking notes and analysing, I kept coming back to imagining myself in O's place.

I was sitting at my oak desk in my uncomfortable chair (really need to find a new chair) and I just stared into space. The cats meowed at me, they didn't know what was going on, I was sitting so still, I guess, and for so long. But I spun fantasies, I reread passages in my head, changing little bits, I fell in love with Rene, with Sir Steven, with the girl with the nice haircut. I imagined what the clothes that are accessible at all times would look like. I imagined what mine would look like. I imagined how it must have smelled in the strange taxicab that took O to her destiny. It's like in fantasies that I had as a child where some mysterious person would come and take me away, without a question, without me or he having to talk. Just a silent passive assent on my part. I feel this longing in the deepest most profound part of me for someone like this. Someone who would tell me when to eat, what to eat, what to wear, when to bath. Because I would always be free in my mind. That's the difference with my realtionship with Julian, I felt trapped, still do, in my mind, I didn't feel free in my head. I want to be free in my mind, but captive in my body. Does that even make sense? I can't write anymore about this right now, I feel so much.