March 2005

I've been seeing Jared a lot. We text dirty messages to each other every day. I go over to his place more often than not, because I haven't found an apartment yet. I've been looking, but it's hard in this city. He has a problem with me still living with Julian. I had him over to my apartment and he freaked out about seeing Julian's shoes in the closet. So, that's going to be the last time I invite him over there. I like going over to his place better anyway. He's more comfortable there or something. He said it has to do with him being a recovered alcoholic. That he used to get really fucked up and wake up who knows where, so it feels good for him to wake up in the same place every morning. Whatever, it's more convenient for me anyway. I don't have to negotiate with Julian.

We've been experimenting more with sex. The other day Jared told me to take off my clothes and lie face down on the bed, that he had a surprise for me. He came back into the room and told me to stand up, facing away from him. He had something behind his back. I couldn't see what it was. He stood there for a moment, behind me, and then, suddenly, I felt a sharp smack on my ass. The pain doubled me over and I looked over my shoulder at him. He pushed my face, turning my head forward again, and told me to stand up. He hit me over and over again on the ass. It was so hard, I had to hold back a scream. Then he told me to sit down. I turned around and looked at him and then sat down, which made me wince, and him smile. He showed me what he had hit me with, it was a snakeskin belt. Beautiful and now even more beautiful that he had hit me with it. Of course we fucked after that.

We only do a few things together. Fuck, eat, and watch movies. These are all things I enjoy. I still don't feel very comfortable with him. He talked to me a bit more about his alcoholism. I guess I don't really understand, I try to, I do understand feeling empty inside. I feel like that a bit since I broke up with Julian. He was my whole life. Like being locked in a room for years. But I don't feel like filling it with anything. I just feel like I should be coming alive again, working through my sordid problems. Moving forward, having more sex, finding myself. Every now and then I like to get a little drunk, but for fun, not out of a compulsion. But with Jared, I mean, he's so into his own journey, I don't really know what he wants out of life, out of our relationship, which for, now, for me, is just fun. But he keeps opening up to me and I wish he wouldn't. I'm having a selfish time in my life as well, I guess. I just want the fun stuff, I don't want to hear about his problems. His problems make me look at my own, and I don't really want to right now, it's not time, but he keeps drawing it out of me. He wants me to share. And I don't. Not right now. I feel like he wants to move this toward something more serious. I just want to take pictures and have sex and...whatever. He doesn't seem like a person I would want something serious with. Maybe I'll never want something serious ever again. It was so awful with Julian. I need to feel like there are possiblities in my life. Why is it that all my friends are getting married? Why do they all need that security? Can't I just be bought and sold, given away? I'm starting to have a strange view of freedom.