January 2005

I talked to Julian about moving out, which he totally doesn't want me to do. He says that it's fine how things are. But they're not, things are really not fine. He had such a hard time when I broke up with him, and the only way he would "agree" is if we remain friends. But we'll still see each other if I move out. He just can't let go, and it's been almost four months since we broke up. It was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time, and I'm sticking with it. And I am moving out, no matter how much he manipulates me, or threatens to take all of the money out of our joint account. Which I really need to move out. I'm scared, he can be so abusive, not physically, but verbally. I mean, I can't stand it when he screams at me. Whatever, I sound like an abused housewife, and I'm really not ready to deal with all that yet. I'm only 25 years old, I need to get on with my life. I had some interesting experiences with him, I lived with him in Paris. I learned to speak French. But now I need to experience new things that have nothing to do with Julian, and I need to move past what he does and did to me. Him fucking with my head is not my fault. It seriously isn't.

On a lighter note, because now I feel like I'm going to cry, and I really don't want to do that right now. Julian would make fun of me about that and call me a WASP and cold, and emotionless. Really, I have to stop talking about Julian. Okay, so, on a lighter note, I went to the bookstore and bought some books. Gordon, by Edith Templeton, Story of O, by Pauline Reage (which I would rather read in French, but I can't find it in the foreign language bookstore), These books by Anne Rice called the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (who knew?), A collection of the Marquis de Sade, The Story of the Eye, by Georges Bataille, and these two books of erotic art out out by Taschen (who seem to have a lot of things in this area). I found all of these books all over the bookstore with the help of this sales clerk who I now think is in love with me. I kept asking him about this stuff, if it's any good, well- written, etc. He asked me if I was writing a thesis on this subject, and I was like, uh...no, I just want to learn more. Which then made him give me rather strange looks when he thought I wasn't looking. After I said that he was very helpful. Which is good, I guess, because I found all these great books.

I started reading Story of O and it's interesting. I guess a lot of this stuff is in popular culture, but I never really thought about it that much. It's like I was searching for this. But in the dark. I love it that this book was written by a woman. I read an essay in the beginning of the book and there was this quote that I underlined:

"Something that women have always refused till now to admit (and today more than ever before). Something that men have always reproached them with: that they never cease obeying their nature, the call of their blood, that everything in them, even their minds, is sex. That they have constantly to be nourished, constantly washed and made up, constantly beaten. That all they need is a good master, one who is not too lax or kind: for the moment we make any show of tenderness, they draw upon it, turning all the zest, joy, and character at their command to make others love them. In short, that we must, when we go to see them, take a whip along.".

I'm going to think about that, because there was another quote in the same essay that caught my eye:

"Actually, what if the role of the erotic (or of dangerous books, if you prefer) was to inform and instruct us?".

Yeah, okay, I have to think about this, and write about it. But later, I'm tired.