January 2005

Yesterday was Julian's birthday and I threw him a party at the artist's studio we rent in this warehouse. I would live there if I could, but it's really not good for that.

Anyway, Sean showed up, because I had to invite him because I invited Rick, the guy both Julian and I went to college with. So as usual, Sean was wasted when he got there and wouldn't leave me alone and kept falling on people who were dancing. He kept whining and saying "Why haven't you called me, don't you like me anymore?". I mean, for fuck's sake, has he no pride??? And Julian was hardly at the party because he kept driving off to give rides to these girls he knows. Whatever, it was his birthday, he can do what he wants. Kevin was there with his girlfirend and they are awesome DJ's, so lots of people danced and it was a big success.

I left early, as usual, before people got stupid and left Julian to clean up. Whatever.

I finished reading Story of O. This book has left a profound impression on me. In a way, I feel like it has awakened part of me. Something that was there, but out of the corner of my eye. But I have to write about the really crazy dream I had last night after the party:

I was naked, alone in the woods at night, and it was cold, I felt really cold. And I could feel the wet grass under my feet, and these sharp sticks poking into my feet. I was looking around, trying to find something to wrap around myself to get warm. I saw a clearing through the trees, I wanted to find a house, but I was afraid of what the people inside would do to me if they saw a naked woman. Just as I got to the clearing I heard this crashing in the woods behind me, like an animal. I turn around, I'm so frightened, and as I'm turning, a huge deer, a buck, comes out of the woods and bites me on my arm and drags me away, very quickly, into the woods. I feel myself being dragged across the wet ground, scratched by thorns and sticks and bushes and roots. And then I woke up.

The thing is, I was wet when I woke up. Really wet. I feel kind-of embarrassed about it. I mean, was I turned on by the idea of a male deer? The more I think about, the more I start thinking about the myth of the Rape of Europa. I have this etching I bought a long time ago of that image. And it was one of my favorite stories as a kid. It was in an old book of Greek myths my mother gave me. Zeus was in love with Europa and changed himself into a white bull and mixed with her father's flocks. Europa and her maidens were gathering flowers when Europa saw the bull, which was tame, and started petting it and got onto it's back. So then Zeus, seizing the chance, leapt into the water with Europa on his back and took her to Crete where he revealed his true identity and she became the queen of Crete.

Maybe the buck is a symbol of the man I want to be with. Someone who will just take me.